Being future parents, my wife and I have been inundated with data, warnings, cautions, suggestions, myths, wive's tales, and downright lies regarding what is and isn't safe for newborns, infants, toddlers, young children, adolescents, young adults, full-grown adults, grandparents, isolated aunts and uncles, and every other person and thing related to raising a child. The following documents my understanding of the dangers facing my yet-to-be-born child and all of the things that I am doing to undermine their life.

Car seats

Car seats are a very important thing to have when you have a child. Gone are the days when a cardboard box or empty milk carton will suffice in safely bringing your new baby home from the hospital (sorry, mom). These days, you have to have a forward-backward facing infant seat with 17-point harness restraint system that fits into a jogging or walking or running or meandering stroller while also converting into a 24-foot camper with attached nursery. Of course, don't put your child into the front seat, as the passenger side airbag may launch them out the rear window in the event of a head-on collision. Also, always remember to buckle the seat and child in correctly in the backseat, unless you feel like losing your ear as your child bites it off in the process of flying through the front windshield. Quite frankly, no matter how "safe" the child seat is, it is probably a good idea to not compete in any impromptu drag races or demolition derbies. In fact, don't even bother putting the kid in the car at all. Get one of those stupid kiddie carts for your bike with the dorky orange flag sticking up. Can anyone say "moving target"? I knew you could.

Leave the kid at home. Sell your car, can some vegetables you grow in an outdoor garden, and never leave the house. Oh, never mind, your house is dangerous enough...

Your unsafe house

Lock up everything. EVERYTHING. Lock your utensil drawers, the dangerous chemical drawers, the torture chamber containing the Iron Maiden and cat o' nine tails, and your porn. Eh, keep the porn at hand, what the hell. Unbeknownest to you, your house is a death trap, a gauntlet of sorts, that your new child will have to learn to navigate quickly or else perish. Remember peanuts? Cashews? Walnuts? Throw them all out. Every kid born after 1996 is allergic to just about everything. But I'll get to that later.

Your crib is a disaster. Don't let your baby sleep with blankets, because they could strangle themselves. Don't let your baby sleep with clothes on, because they could wriggle out of them and strangle themselves. Don't let your baby think if anything made of plastic, because it may strangle itself in it's dreams, which will inevitably make it strangle itself.

Make sure the baby is not too hot.

"Baby, are you too hot?"

"[buuuurp][fart][pooooo]"

"I didn't think so."

The only solution? Don't let your baby sleep. Ever. Feed them caffeine if you have to. Hell, it's the best drug out there! Or slip it some Adderall. At least it will study harder.

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