Bagram, Afghanistan, in December of 2001 was a fairly spartan vacation spot. There was no hot water. There was no running water. So of course there were no showers. No toilets, no heat, no roof, and no local electric grid. There were plenty of MREs (meals in bags) and more than enough dust to satisfy any Army pigpen.
Upon arriving via C-130, soldiers were told (usually in the dead of night) to "follow me so that you don't step on any landmines". This was my first experience with complete darkness. Growing up in New Jersey, there hadn't been many places that I had been to that I could say it got really, really dark at night. If there wasn't the light from a nearby house casting shadows, then there was most likely a city nearby that illuminated a portion of the night sky like a non-moving Aurora Borealis.
Being in the middle of a third world country was very different (Gee, say it ain't so!). During a new moon, you couldn't see your hand in front of your face even by starlight. During a full moon, the landscape was so bright that it seemed like permanent dusk. Of course, we arrived during a new moon. Following someone in complete darkness is usually eased when they are holding a chemical light in their hand. It is considerably more difficult when they are holding the light in front of them, thereby blocking it from view. I'm pretty sure I didn't stay on the proper trail that night, but I'm also pretty sure that I didn't blow up.
We walked towards a building that housed the Special Forces troops and were made to "sign in". This entailed putting your name and social security number down in a notebook with numbered lines, telling how many people were in the country at any point in time. As I was signing my name, my commander pointed out our respective numbers: 200 and 201. There were currently 201 American servicemembers in this part of the country. Kind of gave you a very lonely feeling.
The abandoned Russian airbase that we now called home at some point in time had amenities such as sewer lines and electricity. None of that existed anymore; however, one of the manhole covers was removed and a temporary latrine was made out of the hole. Right in the middle of an intersection. I shit you not.
Walking around at night could be pretty hazardous. Apart from missing manhole covers, there were slit trenches dug for human waste use. These were usually about 20 feet long by three feet wide by about eight feet deep, and I don't have to tell you what they are filled with. There were metal pallets laid out along the ground to mark "safe" walkways, as most of the surroundign areas hadn't been cleared of mines yet, and these frequently paralleled the slit trenches.
Walking with a flashlight, while common sense in other situations, was frowned upon because it could easily invite the unwelcome company of a sniper's bullet. So, you usually tried to get by as easily as possible by letting your eyes adjust to the darkness, except on those darkest of nights that you used a red-lensed flashlight.
It was on one of these dark nights that a female Chief Warrant Officer was arriving to Bagram. Needing a potty break, she was pointed in the direction of the wooden latrines that were balanced precariously over one of the aforementioned slit trenches, given all of the warnings about minefields and whatnot. It still is not known whether she strayed off the path or ignored it all together, but in a few minutes a loud yelling was heard from the general vicinity of one of the previously used trenches. Running out to inspect the clamor, the WO was found at the bottom of the pit, holding her side while laying in a two foot pile of human crap.
While stifling some giggles, some soldiers managed to extract her from the trench and get her to her bed. Her injuries included a couple of broken ribs and a hugely bruised ego. It was discovered that her ego recovered much faster than her ribs, but her sense of humor regarding the incident was never healed.
This wasn't the only incident of this nature. Remember those manhole crappers? Well, their use as toilets was stopped, but for some strange reason it was very difficult finding the replacement covers. A couple of pieces of plywood were half-assedly placed over the holes, which were always willing to be kicked out of the way. Captain Green didn't notice this when he exited Motel Six one night, and in the darkness quickly found himself falling into the poo of several hundred soldiers.
He was able to walk away from the incident, but he almost broke his leg. Limping into the following morning's briefing, he had one of the most optimistic thoughts regarding his fall from grace. He said that now he could go home, tell war stories, and legitimately say "So there I was! Knee deep in The Shit!"
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